Satire

Lockdown: University plans are expected to save Christmas

The University of Leicester has revealed plans to save Christmas that have been described as ‘ingenious’ and ‘extraordinary’.

The much-hyped plans were unveiled to the media yesterday, in response to the problem with endemic rutting in the Village accommodation.

One student thought the plan was insane stating: “This is beyond ridiculous, how the hell are we supposed to learn whilst wearing hazmat suits”.

However, this did not deter Boris from claiming credit. He gleefully stated: “Waheeeeeeeeeeeeey, finally a plan to save Christmas. I will go down in history as the man who saved Christmas. I am truly the messiah.”

The university responded by stating: “We came up with this plan, that much is obvious, this incompetent administration couldn’t find its stockings, let alone come up with an effective solution to the pandemic.”

There is speculation that you will be recommended to wear hazmat suits anytime you leave your house.

One lecturer described this plan as blissful, stating: “Finally, a way to have a family Christmas, without actually having to talk to my relatives.”

Written by Toby Cray

Toby Cray is a second-year journalism student at the University of Leicester. You can find him on Instagram here: @toby5.c