Imagined by Toby Cray
The University have decided to carry on with the good work of Covid by committing to provide a worthless university experience.
This commitment has extended to continuing to provide students with poor accommodation, and to have consistently lower standards of academic teaching, alongside just generally not bothering to give students a reason to live.
“Why would we want to waste all the hard work that Covid has done?!” said a member of the Executive Board.
“We have students exactly where we want them, after years of trying.
“They are basically broke, and we love it. Bring on the easy life!”
A Students’ Union representative stated: “the new management initiative is brilliant; it will transform the University.”
When asked if they heard the question correctly, they mumbled something incoherent and bolted out the door. Then went on to protest the latest international conflict.
Toby Cray is a second-year journalism student. You can find him on Twitter here
Find Toby’s satirical work here