The University of Leicester has announced a ban on societies playing outdoor sport, but they can still attend socials if no precautionary measures are in place.

The incoherent policy is in keeping with the government strategy to tell people to work from home but allow Christmas social events.

A member of the Executive Board said: “We are just copying the government. Students don’t need sports, but they do need to get smashed from time to time.

“It is completely unfair for the term to end without students holding raves. They are only human after all.”

The government responded to this announcement as Boris stated: “I am soooo proud that the University of Leicester are doing everything they can so I can blame this TIDAL WAVE of Omicron cases on those moronic students.”

Matt Hancock appeared from nowhere, for a reason that seems unapparent, wiping away some cherry lipstick from his collar, stating: “Why can’t the students act more responsibly like me? They are going to kill their grans.”

A student standing nearby retorted “Kill our grans?! You are the one who sent infected COVID patients into care homes.”

Meanwhile, the news from the University was well received “This is going to be the best Christmas yet. I can’t wait for all the socialising.” said Omicron.

Imagined by Toby Cray

Toby Cray is the magazine’s Vice President. You can find him on Twitter here.

You can read Toby’s satirical work on his personal blog.